In here Ron...Jokes and other one liners...
- Thread starter AirCon
- Start date
^ You could have joined the Air Force!
Borrowed
A Major-General was out hunting when a gust of wind blew...
His shotgun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by the MO.
"Well, Sir, I have some good news & some bad news.
The good news is that you are going to be OK.
The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the shot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the General.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive shot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the General replied.
"Is your brother a plastic surgeon?"
" Not exactly" answered the MO "He's the Pipe Major in the Band of The Scots Guards.
He's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
A Major-General was out hunting when a gust of wind blew...
His shotgun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by the MO.
"Well, Sir, I have some good news & some bad news.
The good news is that you are going to be OK.
The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the shot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the General.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive shot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the General replied.
"Is your brother a plastic surgeon?"
" Not exactly" answered the MO "He's the Pipe Major in the Band of The Scots Guards.
He's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
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A Florida hwy Patrol Officer pulled over a guy on a Harley for speeding. He walked up to the biker and said, "Let's start with your name."
"Fred", the man replied.
"Fred, what ?" Asked the officer.
"Just Fred."
The officer, in a good mood, figured he might let him off with a warning. But he decided to have a little fun and push, "Come on now - what's your last name ?"
Fred sighed. "Well, i used to have one..but i lost it."
Now curious, the officer raised an eyebrow.
"Lost it ? How do you lose a last name ?"
Fred took a deep breath. "It's a long story. But here goes: I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard, went to medical school, became a doctor - Fred Johnson, M.D. After a few years, I got interested in dentistry, and went back to school, and became Fred Johnson M.D., D.D.S.
Then I made some bad choices, got involved with my dental assistant..and ended up with an infection. So I was Fred Johnson M.D. D.D.S., with a V.D. the dental board didn't like that. They pulled my D.D.S., so I became Fred Johnson with a V.D. then the medical board found out, and there went my M.D. now I was just Fred Johnson with a V.D. and finally the V.D. took away my Johnson. So now I'm just "Fred".
The officer was crying. Not out of pity - but from laughing so hard, he couldn't even write the ticket.
"Fred", the man replied.
"Fred, what ?" Asked the officer.
"Just Fred."
The officer, in a good mood, figured he might let him off with a warning. But he decided to have a little fun and push, "Come on now - what's your last name ?"
Fred sighed. "Well, i used to have one..but i lost it."
Now curious, the officer raised an eyebrow.
"Lost it ? How do you lose a last name ?"
Fred took a deep breath. "It's a long story. But here goes: I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard, went to medical school, became a doctor - Fred Johnson, M.D. After a few years, I got interested in dentistry, and went back to school, and became Fred Johnson M.D., D.D.S.
Then I made some bad choices, got involved with my dental assistant..and ended up with an infection. So I was Fred Johnson M.D. D.D.S., with a V.D. the dental board didn't like that. They pulled my D.D.S., so I became Fred Johnson with a V.D. then the medical board found out, and there went my M.D. now I was just Fred Johnson with a V.D. and finally the V.D. took away my Johnson. So now I'm just "Fred".
The officer was crying. Not out of pity - but from laughing so hard, he couldn't even write the ticket.
Terrible news coming from Merseyside this evening.
The Birkenhead Tunnel has been closed and the speed limit will be reduced for the foreseeable future to 25mph.
The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the tunnel approach recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, has confirmed in their report the problem was NOT Avian Flu but rather the cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.
However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"
The Birkenhead Tunnel has been closed and the speed limit will be reduced for the foreseeable future to 25mph.
The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the tunnel approach recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, has confirmed in their report the problem was NOT Avian Flu but rather the cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.
However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"
An old man crashed his car into a Ferrari. The owner jumps out and confronts the old man, saying, “Give me $10,000 cash or you'll be sorry you crossed me!”
The old man replies, “Woah, wait buddy, I don’t have that much money, but let me call my son - he trains dolphins.”
The old man dials his son. As he is about to speak, the owner of Ferrari yanks the phone out of his hand and says, “So you train dolphins? Well, your old man just hit and damaged my car. You bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna whoop his and your ass."
The son answers, “Okay, buddy, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.”
In exactly 15 minutes, the son pulls up in a Jeep. He jumps out and slaps the Ferrari owner about a bit, then walks over to his father and says,
“Dad, I train Navy SEALs, not dolphins.”
The old man replies, “Woah, wait buddy, I don’t have that much money, but let me call my son - he trains dolphins.”
The old man dials his son. As he is about to speak, the owner of Ferrari yanks the phone out of his hand and says, “So you train dolphins? Well, your old man just hit and damaged my car. You bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna whoop his and your ass."
The son answers, “Okay, buddy, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.”
In exactly 15 minutes, the son pulls up in a Jeep. He jumps out and slaps the Ferrari owner about a bit, then walks over to his father and says,
“Dad, I train Navy SEALs, not dolphins.”
My wife and I went into town and visited a shop yesterday.
When we came out, there was a policeman writing a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a pensioner a break?"
He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an "a**hole."
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So my wife called him a "s*ithead."
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We always look for cars with Vote Labour stickers.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
When we came out, there was a policeman writing a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a pensioner a break?"
He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an "a**hole."
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So my wife called him a "s*ithead."
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We always look for cars with Vote Labour stickers.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.