In here Ron...Jokes and other one liners...
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Two gays, Rupert and Cecil are lying in bed together, Rupert starts rubbing vaseline on his chest.
Cecil asks…….
"What the fuck are you doing?"
Rupert said, "I read that vaseline stimulates hair growth and I want a hairy chest."
Cecil again said…….
"Don't be fucking stupid, if that was true don’t you think I would have a ponytail sticking out of my fucking arse.
Cecil asks…….
"What the fuck are you doing?"
Rupert said, "I read that vaseline stimulates hair growth and I want a hairy chest."
Cecil again said…….
"Don't be fucking stupid, if that was true don’t you think I would have a ponytail sticking out of my fucking arse.
A teenage girl came home from school and asks her mother,
"Is it true what Rita just told me?"
"What's that?" asks her mother.
"That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter.
"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"
"Is it true what Rita just told me?"
"What's that?" asks her mother.
"That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter.
"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"
BAGPIPER FUNERAL
As a Scottish Piper, I play many gigs.Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's' cemetery in the wilds of the Isle of Skye.
As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man and as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and walked to my car.
Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say;
"I never seen nothing like that before Donald, and I've been installing septic tanks for 24 years"
Robert walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey...
The bartender asks, "What's the matter"...?
Robert says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend"...
The next day Robert comes in again and orders 12 shots of whiskey...
The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time"...?
Robert said, "I found out that my son is gay"...
The next day Robert comes in the bar again and orders 15 shots of whiskey...
Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women"...?
Robert looks up with tears in his eyes and says, "Apparently my fucking wife does"...
The bartender asks, "What's the matter"...?
Robert says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend"...
The next day Robert comes in again and orders 12 shots of whiskey...
The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time"...?
Robert said, "I found out that my son is gay"...
The next day Robert comes in the bar again and orders 15 shots of whiskey...
Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women"...?
Robert looks up with tears in his eyes and says, "Apparently my fucking wife does"...
He didn't leave his number or anything? How rude.